Evidently, all humans have this thing called “DNA”, and inside this DNA are things called “genes”, and inside these genes are things called “genetic-markers” which “scientists” can “use” to “trace” the journey of “man” back 200,000 years. And apparently, as a result of our genetic-markers, every human on earth can be traced back to two Africans known in the hippy-science world as Scientific Adam and Eve.
Far be it for me to trust a man named Spencer, but according to geneticist Spencer Wells of the Genographic Project, Scientific Adam and Eve spent their entire lives somewhere between my coffee table and the beans n' beans stand down the road, as did their inbred offspring and their inbred offspring’s inbred offspring and so on, until an extremely-inbred somebody decided to get the hell out of Africa.
Perhaps this somebody was forced out due to hilarious inbred disfigurement or perhaps they left with the correct number of toes and visions of a little thing called the instant fireplace. We can’t be entirely sure. If you can trust a man named Spencer, they probably crossed the southern tip of the Red Sea into the Arabian Peninsula just 60,000 years ago in response to scarce resources- as if scarce resources are a legitimate reason to build a raft. Please. I ran out of toilet paper last week and stood my ground. In fact, I run out of toilet paper every week and continue to stand my ground, in no part due to my lack of raft-building skills or proximity to a viable water escape-route.
Spencer and his posse claim He Who Feared Scarce Resources and his posse made their way out of eastern Africa into the Middle East via the Red Sea, shuffled up through a fabled land called Central Asia, where people love to shuffle, headed east across an alleged iceberg which we’re to believe connected the far east of Russia to the future Palin family breeding grounds, and then proceeded to trek all the way down to the southern tip of South America- all in all, the longest journey man has ever made.
Flash forward 60,000 minus two years- you do the math, mathlete- and I’m shuffling down a narrow isle at 30,000 feet in search of a bag of scarcely-salted airline pretzels. It seems like a cruel joke that an $800 plane ticket was enough to undo thousands upon thousands of years of painstaking efforts made by my ancestors to get the hell out of Africa, or that I’m back to where I started without the evolutionary benefits of melanin or blind faith in God on public transportation, but no matter; I’ve had a vision, and in five months I’m departing this continent in search of a little thing called the instant fireplace. Or whatever that little taco-shell warmer at Taco Bell is called.
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