july 15th: the day my legs died

A long, long time ago, I can still remember when I thought it was a good idea to climb a giant volcano. As if I were a caveman! As if there was some sort of dignity or pride to be gained by being completely drenched in my own sweat, tired, grumpy, and blowing my nose into my shirt! For the record, I’m not talking about a discrete nose wipe on the lower-third of the sleeve, the classic ‘Oh, don’t mind me! I’m just sort of brushing my very ladylike hair out of my very ladylike face’ tactic when really I’m catching a very un-ladylike trail of snot on my cuff. I’m talking about the kind of passionate nose blowing performance sane people, the ones who don’t climb volcanoes, dare to do only behind closed doors, the kind that can shatter superficial friendships and cause post-traumatic stress when witnessed by small children.

Muhuvura, if anything you taught me a few important life lessons. For example, if you must pretend you’re a caveman, always bring a large, sympathetic man who doesn’t fear snot so he can help you climb down the volcano when your legs completely stop taking orders from your brain and instead begin to imitate Elaine’s awkward dance from Seinfeld. That way, if you’re not embarrassed enough already, he can also offer to carry you from the base camp at the foot of the volcano down to the car at the end of the day. And make sure he has a good sense of humor because when he tells you to jump onto his back and your brain jumps but your body just sort of hesitates momentarily and then dramatically slumps to the ground, it’s good to have someone to laugh with before the crying ensues.

My experience reminded me man has evolved and with that comes real responsibilities. For example, in lieu of climbing volcanoes, I should stick to refined, dignified acts such as: sipping coffee at one of those trendy cafes that also displays local art depicting wholly uncivilized volcano mishaps, eating civilized doses of chocolate volcano cake, and brushing my very ladylike hair out of my very, very ladylike face.